I recently attended the National Funeral Directors Association Annual Convention in Orlando. I saw old friends, made some new ones, and overall had a great time. (Here comes the “but&rdquo BUT, I was shocked by some of things I saw all in the name of progress. Read the following all in good fun.

I saw caskets that have been designed to be buried standing up, four per grave space. Yikes. I don’t want to stand up for eternity as that sounds horribly tiring. Not to mention the personal space issue. I think it’s nice that cemeteries give everyone their own grave space. For anyone who thinks we’re running out of land, have you flown over Wyoming lately? I have, there’s plenty.

I talked to a funeral director who told me he bought a case of organic embalming fluid. I didn’t know whether to ask, “What?” or “Why?” first. I picture an obese man who died of a heart attack on the embalming table being injected with “organic” embalming fluid…hadn’t exercised in years…ate steak every night…like he’d care. I’m still not sure what organic means in the context of embalming fluid. Is it ok if we mistake it for our bottle of Evian? It’s just absurd.

Then I saw so much pet cremation and burial merchandise I started looking for the “National Veterinarian’s Convention” signs. May I just say, “Pets are not people.” I’m not offended that someone wants to honor their beloved pet with cremation or burial. But I cannot explain to you to what extent I saw this merchandise, it was literally everywhere. I heard two funeral directors talking about the issue and one told the other, “I took care of a woman’s husband and she spent $500 on his cremation, when her dog died, I took care of the dog and she spent $700.” I guess the husband should have spent more time “sitting” and “staying”; perhaps he would have been treated better in death. I even saw a dog casket in the shape of a bone, seriously, have you ever seen a dog in the shape of a bone? All I ask is that our human loved ones receive the same respect as our pets seem to have aspired to.

And if it wasn’t a pet cremation exhibit, it was a green burial exhibit. I’m all for green burial, but for goodness sakes the exhibitors need to stop acting like they invented something here. I would like to make a motion to nominate Moses as the rightful creator of green burial. My father (63 years old) tells stories of home burial when he was young and his uncle died in the 1960’s. This isn’t a new concept, but Al Gore would have been proud had he attended this convention.