To conclude our discussion on dealing with denial, we’d like to look at how to respond after the funeral:

How to Respond After the Funeral

Although crying with a grieving survivor can be done at any point before, or during the funeral, Jesus gave us an example of crying after a funeral.  The book of John, chapter eleven, verses thirty-three through thirty five say, 

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.  "Where have you laid him?" he asked. (v. 33) "Come and see, Lord," they replied. (v.34)  Jesus wept. (v.35) (NIV, 1985)

  

When Jesus arrived at the mourning scene Lazarus had been in the tomb four days.  Although they were still grieving, the "funeral" had been held.  Jesus' response of crying is especially moving because He knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the tomb but stopped to weep with Lazarus’ sisters.  Jesus could have said, "Stop crying, I'm going to go raise him from the dead."  But He responded to their grief by crying with them because that is what they needed at that moment.  We often want to change situations for our friends who are suffering but we cannot.  Jesus gave an example of where words were not needed, only tears, and what an appropriate response!    

Often the need to tell the story is greater than the need for other to hear it. This is especially true when the listener was there was the person was diagnosed with a terminal illness, there when the person died, and there when the family left the cemetery.  After a time society wants the bereaved to “get over it.”  Repetition is necessary to process the loss. The bereaved require repeated opportunities to verbalize their feelings as they attempt to make sense of their loss; they need to ask the unanswerable “why?” before acceptance of the loss is reached.

The five stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross are shock, denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance.  As one listens to the story of the bereaved it is important to remember that although the bereaved may seem to have reached the acceptance stage at any point they may return to any number of the stages and begin their grief process all over again.

After the funeral it is appropriate to write a letter of condolence to the grieving survivor.  In their book, The Art of Condolence, Leonard and Hilary Zunin give the seven components of a letter of condolence.

Acknowledge the loss.

Express your sympathy.

Note special qualities of the deceased.

Recount a memory about the deceased.

Note special qualities of the bereaved.

Offer assistance.

Close with a thoughtful word or phrase (Zunin, 1991).

Some people prefer to write a letter of condolence rather than call the survivor because it gives them a chance to think through what exactly they would like to say.  Letters of condolence are appreciated after a funeral because that is when support for the survivor is diminishing as family and friends are returning to their busy lives.