To continue last week’s discussion, let’s explore some ways that you can initially respond to a death, practical ways to respond, how to respond without using clichés, and how to respond after a funeral.

How to Respond Initially

For the purposes of this blog we will focus on the initial contact which includes responding to the news, offering condolences, assistance in practical matters, the shock factor, the forgotten griever and finally unconditional support.  What is most important to understand is that is it of utmost importance to make contact as soon as possible.  It is not always practical to physically go to the grieving person so a telephone call or a letter should be sent as soon as possible.  I have heard it argued that sending an email condolence is tacky; however, it is an accepted means of communication in today’s society, so you need to make the call on that one based upon the circumstances. Offering condolences seems to be the hardest for people.  There are no prescribed set of words to be said to comfort the bereaved.  Simply say what is in your heart, and remember sometimes a hug or just being with the person gives the most condolence. 

Responding in Practical Ways

After a death the most important thing is to make a choice about how to react: sending flowers, mailing cards, attending the funeral and then to follow through. One practical way may include providing transportation for out-of-town family members needing to be picked up from the airport.  Taking extra umbrellas to the graveside service is another way to show you care.  The cemetery usually has a small tent with five or so chairs for the family’s protection and comfort but on a rainy day this is hardly adequate, especially if it is anticipate that many people will be in attendance. Staying at the house during the funeral, changing the sheets on the bed, or laundering clothes that need to be taken to the funeral home are more practical ways to show you care.  When taking food items, try not to take casseroles or food that is high in fat and empty calories. Grieving people don’t often eat much, so when they do it’s important that the food is high quality and won’t leave him/her feeling worse than before they ate. Always remember to mark any containers that need to be returned or if possible include the container as part of the gift.  Most people think of taking food to a house of mourning, but not drinks. Take an ice filled cooler full of bottled water, soda, and other cold beverages.    Although this next suggestion is only practical if the financial means are available, it is a profound act of responding.  The family may need help deferring costs for airfare, or need hotel rooms for out of town guests. Some may even need financial help with the funeral arrangements. An additional ways to help include making phone calls for the family from your phone, not theirs, so their line stays open for incoming calls.

Perhaps the most practical way to respond is by attending the funeral or memorial service that the family has arranged. At the funeral there is usually a register for people attending the service to sign their names.  When attending a service it is important to sign the book as this will be a reference for the family at a later date if you are unable to speak with them at the service.  In the days and weeks following the service, the survivors often refer to the register book to see who attended the service.  Reading the names listed in the book can bring more comfort than imagined.

How to Respond Without the Use of Clichés

Most people have played the dual role of being comforted, while being the comforter for others.  Both roles can be overwhelmingly difficult, especially when at a loss for words. 

Many people use clichés with the intention of helping, but more often than not, they end up hurting. I Know Just How You Feel... Avoiding the Clichés of Grief is an attempt to bridge the gap between those hurting and those comforting. 

The author, Erin Linn, lost her son six year old son in 1974 when he was hit by a car and killed instantly.  Before the loss of her son, Linn used to speak with clichés such as "That's too bad," or "Time will heal."  Now she is convinced that there must be other ways to express ourselves without the use of clichés.

Many clichés of grief fit into specific categories.  For example, "Big boys don't cry," would fit into the 'Be Strong' clichés. Instead, the statement "Don't be embarrassed to cry," or "Go ahead and cry," could be used.  The alternative statement lets the person know you are comfortable with letting them show their feelings as well as encouraging them to do so. 

"Time will heal", would fit into the 'Hurry Up' clichés.  By saying, "You must feel as if this pain will never end," you are showing that you understand how they are feeling right now. 

"Only the good die young," would fit into the 'Guilt' clichés.  If you want to say, "She was such a good person," or "He was such a good child," then you are praising the one who died without casting a negative light on those who are still living.

"It was God's will", would fit into the 'God' clichés.  We misuse this cliché often because we want to try explaining why God did something.  For example, if a woman has had a miscarriage we may use the cliché incorrectly because the miscarriage may have happened because the woman fell down the stairs, and obviously God did not push her because it was His will.  It would be more comforting to say, "This is a terrible tragedy for you to have to go through," or "Some things that happen are tragic and make no sense."

Finally "I know just how you feel", would fit into the 'Discount' clichés. A more honest statement would be, "I cannot begin to know how you feel because I have never had this happen to me."  It should also be noted that if you have experienced a similar loss this would not be the time for you to share your tragic story as the other person is just beginning their grief process and does not need another loss to mourn.

Next week, we’ll look at some of the ways one can respond after a funeral.