Denial is a word that we hear often in the context of death. We’re a death denying society. Have you heard that not wanting to view the body at the mortuary is denial? Did you know that avoiding people who have had a loss is denial? Denial, denial, denial.

I happen to think that denial is one of the greatest gifts we have been given.

Denial protects our brains when we can’t process what is happening to us in present circumstances. Denial allows us to take in information slowly and process it as our brains and emotions allow.

I prefer to say that someone is still processing information in relation to the loss as compared to that they are in denial of the loss. At this point society is told so often that they are in denial that I think we’ve lost sight of what people are trying to adapt to, which is life without their loved one. We see death everywhere around us; we hear about murder, soldiers killed in war, our WWII generation is dying at an alarming rate, floods and other natural disasters around the world, and discussions of euthanasia abound. Are we really death denying, or do we just not know how to process our grief?

I tend to deny things that I know about but don’t want to deal with at the moment. I’m in denial right now that my car has a small oil leak, but I know that I need to get my car in shop soon, and I reluctantly will. But denial in death implies that we have a problem, know what the solution is, and we’re ignoring it. I don’t think our society is in denial over death, we truly don’t know how to process it. We’ve never been taught before.

Think back to your first experience with loss. Perhaps you moved from one house to another, your goldfish died, your parents got divorced, or your grandparent died. Who helped you deal with that loss? And how did they help you deal with it? Chances are that your folks were so busy packing that they didn’t think about the fact that this was the house you came home from the hospital in, the only home you had ever know. Chances are that when your goldfish died you were told, “It’s just a fish, and we’ll get another one on Saturday.” Chances are when your parents got divorced they were consumed with who got to see you on the holidays, and who got to take your bedroom set to the next house, and who had to buy another one. Chances are when your grandparent died, your Mom or Dad thought they were protecting you by not taking you to the funeral home to look at the body. After all, you would see a lot of sad people, and who would want to expose you to that?

What they didn’t know is that you loved that house; that goldfish might as well as have been real gold since it was the only pet you had so far in your life; you didn’t care who you were going to be with on holidays, you wanted both of your parents at the same time; and you really did want to say goodbye to your Grandpa. 

So why do we do handle loss so poorly?

I propose it’s because we don’t know what to do with it, not because we’re in denial of it. When was the last time someone told you that a death had occurred? A friend called to say that her mother had died, or a coworker’s teenaged son died of a drug overdose over the weekend? What did you say to that person?  In all my years of dealing with subject I still struggle with what to say when someone I know has experienced the death of a loved one. When working at the funeral home I would say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” That’s appropriate for a stranger maybe, but not for people we know. I spoke with a funeral director friend the other day whose mother had recently died, and I hadn’t heard the news yet. After he told me he said, “Please don’t say you’re sorry, and please don’t send me a sympathy card. It’s not your fault, and all the cards look the same to me now.”

I just quietly said, “O.K.”, and let him talk and tell me what he wanted to share with me. Then we said goodbye, and hung up. It was a little awkward, but I respected that he didn’t want to listen to me. After all, the conversation was about his mother’s death, not about me or him.  Thankfully the art of condolence isn’t practiced often enough to really become good at, but we really do need some better condolence skills. Again, are we in denial when we avoid the person whose loved one died? Are we in denial over that death? I say no, we just don’t know what to say, so we say nothing.

So take the discomfort that comes from trying to figure out what to say, do, give to a person who has experienced a loss, and put yourself on the receiving end. Now everyone is telling you, “I’m sorry.” “Let me know if I can do anything for you.” “I’ll be praying for you.” Really? You’ll be praying for me? Who believes that? Everything becomes so cliché that you can’t bring yourself to believe that they really mean they really mean what they are saying. So they can’t express what they want to you, you can’t accept it, and the cycle goes on and one because no one knows any different.  Thus fewer people choose to respond because of their fear of doing or saying the “wrong” thing.  Are we in denial?  No, we simply don’t know what to do.

So why do so many experts think we are a death denying society? 

First, we use euphemisms.  Examples of euphemisms are: bit the dust, kicked the bucket, bought the farm, passed away.  Euphemisms are harmful because without using words such as dying, dead, and death we may not be facing the reality of death. 

Second, we do not like to talk about death.  I would elaborate but, we don’t like to talk about death, so I won’t. Third, cryonics (body freezing) suggests a denial of death.  Cryonics is based on the idea that someday a cure with found for all diseases and the deceased can be brought back to life. 

Fourth, in America we do not die, we take a long nap.  Caskets have built-in-mattresses, the head of the deceased rests on a pillow and the room where the body is laid out is referred by some as the "slumber room." 

Fifth, societies such as the United States of America call in a professional when someone dies.  The funeral director takes the body away and one has the option of viewing again or simply choosing a direct cremation or a direct burial. 

Sixth, the casket is not lowered into the ground until the family has left the cemetery.  This is part of the funeral director’s way of "protecting" the family from the finality of death. 

I don’t deny that some in society do not know how to deal with death, nor do they want to be educated on how to react to death. However, by being on this website, you are in fact reaching out, and hopefully getting the answers that you are looking for as you become educated on end of life issues.

Next week, we’ll explore some ways that you can respond initially to a death, practical ways to respond, how to respond without using clichés, and how to respond after a funeral.